Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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