My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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