got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
