I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
