I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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