the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
