I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
