I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
