I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
He told me they were just razor bumps!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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