I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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