awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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