Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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