I love black thongs
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
