my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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