apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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