community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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