Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
