You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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