just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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