was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
