It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
