If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
