i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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