When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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