We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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