I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love you.
Bad choice
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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