my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What changed your mind?
Being sober
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
