Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
