I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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