Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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