Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
