hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
