The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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