dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
