On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
