he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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