Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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