Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
