I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
