she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
