And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
