okay pat passed out under dana's car
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
