I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
