i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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