Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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