gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
