She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
