he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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