i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
