yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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