what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
